Managing Priorities

In September 2023, I crossed paths with Pastors Hal and Pam Santos, a couple who have faithfully served the Lord in full-time ministry for decades as senior pastors, training many other pastors and missionaries around the world and serving various coaches and teams in the NFL (he’s a Browns fan though, so pray for him). They have left a profound mark on countless people, most recently Abby and me.

He often calls and asks, “Jacob, how are you treating your wife? Have you taken her on a date lately?” To which I honestly answer, and he follows up with, “Put her on the phone… Abigail, is your husband treating you well? Tell him to rub your feet.” This is the kind of guy he is, and his wife is no different. They are straight shooters with healthy priorities and fruitful lives, and we honor that!

Pastor Hal frequently reminds me and others he has mentored of the five chronological priorities for every person, and I want to pass them along to you! I hope they bless you as they have me:

1) Your relationship with Jesus.

2) Your relationship with your spouse.

3) Your relationship with your family (kids first then the others).

4) Your physical, mental, and emotional health.

5) Ministry, vocation, or occupation.

I must admit, for too long, I had this out of alignment. It’s embarrassing to confess but for most of the last decade, my priorities looked more like this:

1) Jesus.

2) Ministry.

3) Spouse.

…….

73) Health.

87) Family.

And this was on a good day!

I’m kind of joking… and kind of serious!

The symptoms weren’t obvious immediately, but eventually, they began to manifest. For instance, on a rare free night, it wasn’t uncommon for me to be on my phone responding to texts, phone calls, and emails. All for the sake of “God’s calling on my life.” Meanwhile, I was neglecting my own wife, who mind you I’m commanded by God to lead first and, not to mention, love as Christ loved the church.

I would rarely see or talk with my family because I filled my schedule so tightly with meetings, events, and other ministry-related things that most spare moments were either before my family members woke up or after they went to sleep. I missed birthdays, gatherings, and the little things like conversations and dinners with my mom who lived less than 10 minutes away. I’ll spare you the details, but my physical health paid a surprising price, largely because of the result of invisible self-inflicted stress. I applied so much pressure to myself to help fix other people’s problems, while neglecting my own.

Let me be clear, I don’t regret building a decade’s worth of precious relationships in a church I adore and a community I consider home. Nearly each and every person has meant the world to me, and I can genuinely say I’m honored to know many of them. However, what I’m learning is that building these types of relationships, which are important in their own right, should never come at the expense of life’s most crucial relationships (with Jesus, your spouse, and family).

Now ‘tis the NFL Draft weekend so allow me to invoke a sports reference here for a moment… Patrick Mahomes (28 years old) was recently questioned about retirement and if he plans to play as long as Tom Brady (who retired at 45 years old). To which Patrick replied,

“I’ve looked, if I played until Tom [Brady]’s age, my daughter would be 19, 20 years old,” Mahomes said. “I would love to play that long… I want to be there for my daughter. If I can do that, I’ll continue to play. But if I feel like it’s taking away from my family time, that’s when I’ll know it’s time to go.”

You may not care about football or want life advice from Patrick Mahomes, I get it! But I respect his line of thought. It shows his priorities revolve around his relationships first, not his career, legacy, or bank account.

In 2013 Barna released an article that matters to me since I’m in ministry. It says, “While 21% of pastors believe they were good parents in terms of supporting and spending time with their children, twice that amount have regrets in this area—42% say they wish they had spent more time with their kids.” I wonder what the numbers would be today.

I’m not the first minister, or person for that matter, to experience this relational, physical, and emotional storm. Sadly, many fall into a ditch before they realize what’s going on, and more often than not, ministry, the devil, or, worse yet, God Himself takes all the blame.

But here is something I’ve learned: It’s not the ministry's fault. It’s not the devil’s fault. It’s not people’s fault. It’s not because the calling is too demanding. And it’s certainly not God’s fault. It’s convenient to assign blame to the ministry, work, the boss, church leaders, or whoever fits depending on your situation. But that’s low hanging fruit. The truth is, I was to blame. I was the one who didn’t establish and manage my priorities well.

 I needed to learn for myself that attending a church event was not holier to God than attending my own dinner table. Serving people in need is not more virtuous in the eyes of God than serving my wife. Calling a person in the church was not better “stewardship” than calling my own mother. Flying to a conference is not more necessary than flying to see my aging grandparents. And no one is to blame but myself.

In fact, the Bible takes this a step further. To neglect those in my own home for the sake of ministry, work, or really anything is sin. Consider 1 Timothy 5:8, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Wow!

My story revolves around ministry. Yours may revolve around work, sports, hobbies, or something else entirely. Maybe you have your kids higher than your wife. Maybe you have the gym higher than your family. The point remains true regardless. No career ladder, tax bracket, ministry opportunity, or amount of toys can heal broken priorities or the compound issues they cause. At the end of our lives, what will truly matter the most? If you were suddenly gasping for your last breaths, would you have any regrets? Who would pop into your mind? Would you be wishing you spent more time making money or growing your business?

What I’ve learned is that no one can make you say yes or no to opportunities, events, duties, etc. You are the one responsible for saying yes and no. You are responsible for writing out your priorities and guarding them. You are the one who will answer for how you managed your life. I know it’s a little heavy. But I’m reminded of what Reinhard Bonnke said, “Mind in the beginning what matters in the end.”

Therefore, I invite you to a challenge. If you can identify with anything in this miniature rant (major props if you’ve made it this far)… I invite you to write out your ideal list of priorities in life. Maybe it looks like Pastor Hal & Pam’s. Maybe it doesn’t. That’s up to you! Then, evaluate yourself honestly on how well you’re doing. I dare you to take it a step higher and quiz those closest to you on how well you’re doing. Does your perception match theirs? If you want a true diagnostic test, and you’re brave, tell them why you’re asking and request an honest letter grade. Say to them, “Be honest with me, what do my actions tell you is my main priority?” You might be surprised at the results. I know I was! But this can help guide you towards making practical changes.

 If you’re like me and have spent too long with misaligned priorities, the great news is we can redeem the time today! The Lord is pleased to help get our souls, relationships, and bodies healthy. He wants it more than we do! I’m actively learning that yes; He wants to use us. But He doesn’t want to abuse us. Yes we need to work. But your kids would rather be broke under a bridge with a loving parent than have designer clothes in a mansion with an absent one.

So now it’s your turn! Once you have your list written out, work with your spouse and family on the following steps:

1) PRUNE: Trim away the areas that need it. Remove the things that need to go, even if they seem good. Be mindful that by saying yes to the most important things, you may have to say no to other things, even if they’re good things. Your “no” will become a deeper “yes” to your priorities. Some have thought, “but what will people think?” Ask yourself instead, “what will God think?” Our Pastor has been preaching on the Beatitudes and he recently talked about being pure in heart. He mentioned how purity is simplicity. The fewer the ingredients, the more pure something is, be it water, gold, etc.

2) DEVELOP: Cultivate habits that nurture your priorities. Commit to regular family dinners, a weekly date night where you hire a babysitter and enjoy activities together without distractions from your phones, invest in a gym membership, or agree on a dietary change as a family. Establish routines that enhance your life rather than squander it.

3) PROTECT: Before committing to new obligations, consider whether or not they align with your list of priorities. For instance, a prominent international evangelist shared with us how he receives numerous speaking requests every week but evaluates each one with his wife, asking, “Does this event contribute to evangelism?” If not, they decline. Understanding your priorities helps you stay focused on what truly matters.

I pray this helps someone identify potential blind spots and/or encourages others to maintain their prioritization efforts. We only have one opportunity at this life. Jesus fulfilled His part; it's up to us to fulfill ours!

- Jake